You know I loves Science

but I just don't love scientists (well that's a sweeping generalisation) but flow with me here.  Officially Eppendork doesn't love hates a system that tolerates unprofessional behaviour because you are a leader in your field and you bring in the big bucks.   My supervisor is a great scientist (I completely respect his science) but his managerial skills are absolute crap, and if I had to I would say they are non-existent.   I have never ever been managed so badly by a supervisor, never.  Nor have I ever been so stressed out and paranoid about making mistakes as I have been in the past few months, I have been a complete fking wreck (hence the lack of blogging).  He just has no stop measure on his temper - there is a zero to 100 in terms of anger in like 5 seconds and just lets rip on the person - alone, in front of people, in front invited guests.  He just doesnt give a shit and everyone takes it because with his name on a paper you are going to get it published in one of the big ones.    He is a micromanager, in and out, in and out - unless he has some one else distracting him that he can 'help' them see the error of their ways (cause they arent thinking just like him), you never get time to do stuff and he continually adds things to your list of stuff to do.

I have been contemplating in the last week or two whether he is a workplace bully or he is just insensitive to the dignity of others, and to be honest I think it's the later and has no control over his temper.  He had threatened me twice with being 'fired' from this PhD project - the first time was like - OMG he's threatening me - WTF?? This was after he and my other supervisor had a meeting and worked out a plan for me to improve my performance to be reviewed in three months at which point we as a group would decide if this project was to go forward.  The last time he told me 'you dont know how close you are to being fired!' and in my head I was just like - meh if you are going to do it, do it (the reader must realise at this point I had got my head around the fact that he and i shouldnt be working together cause we are a really bad fit) I dont care that much.  But I still thought I had my now two months to prove myself worthy of his godlike tuterage, unfortunately this morning he had decided he had enough and told me I was fired from the project.  And you know what (having spent my weekend working my arse off for him) just sat there and went thank fucking God - thank you Jesus.   It had been taken out of my hands and I am glad cause me being stubborn and not wanting to give up on something until the last possible moment would have sat there a stressed out, wreck of a person, a shell of the person I walked in here as and I can tell you I would have lost my love of science.  It was ridiculous how much lighter I felt walking back into my office - one of them (who is in my office but not in the group but see how he behaves to all of us) - was like 'Oh Eppendork I am so happy for you - this is a really, really good thing!'.   Every one including the tech who is also leaving soon because of his behaviour (although she gave him another reason cause she needs a good reference), was like it is a positive positive thing.

And dear readers it is!  It really, really is!  Just have to go find me another job and explain why I spent x amount of time on a PhD project that has come to nothing - but I can live with that, I still love science and tonight Im not a wreck!!  I might just sleep soundly for the first time in months as well....

Hallelujah, Hallelujah, Hallelujah.

E

xxx

Be scared, be very scared and dont fall asleep!

Get Your Cyborg Name

Heehehe - eat my cyborg dust science!

That is all.

E

It's a good day today

I feel slightly like I have a manic-depressive relationship with my supervisor.  One its good and he's happy and all is right with my world (sometimes I feel really good).  Then the next day he will just be tearing strips off me and handing my arse to me on a plate and I feel like what the hell was I thinking doing a Phd.   Kinda like this:

SELECT * FROM "Eppendork"

WHERE "EmotionalState" LIKE  'F%'

ORDER BY "Dayoftheweek" 

AND "Houroftheday"

Which roughly would give you the hours and days of the week where I felt F**d or Fabulous. Yes this week has been good for SQL and me making a start on learning Python.  I got excited today by:

n = int(raw_input('What's my favourite number?: '))

if x >4:

print 'No that is not my favourite number!'

elif x<4:

print 'No that is not my favourite number!'

else:

print 'Yes that is my favourite number! Woot!'

I know baby steps - its the small things.

E.

Reality sux, but in the meantime I have Chilli-tomato lentils

So I have been burying myself in my literature review basically to distract myself and avoiding the very real family crisis that is going on at the moment - given I am far, far away and feeling a little helpless.  My mum has been told that her heart is so badly traumatised by her congestive heart failure (not to mention al the other things) that they cant replace the pacemaker that is currently failing - she wont survive any type of surgery and they basically they have sent her home with the expectation that she wont see out the year.  So Im gutted.  My supervisor has been good and said I can take time off to go home - but I need to time it right given I cant afford to make the trip more than once.  I was trying distraction but apparently not that well.

So I was head down bum up trying really hard to focus on the lit review - but with the help of a friend realised that to a large extent what i was writing was skimming the surface, trying to cover too much and not enough detail.  It also hasnt been any near where the level of my writing usually is - so it is in other words crap! So i have set it aside and made up a new plan of attack hopefully supervisor will agree to it.  Starting next week after an intensive programming course which I had asked for earlier prior to the current goings on but I need to get my shit together and get things done - focus Eppendork - focus!  But it's hard.

E.

Pink No More

Tired of gingham - so March!  I am had long day at the Biosafety cabinet chickens so Eppendork is tired and thought about Abel Pharmboy's little titilating rant about vaccintions and sexy, sexy videos.  I was going to have a rant balanced discussion about the pro's and con's of vaccinating your beautiful children - very little con's lots of pro's to be very honest and how more discussion and talking with people who don't have 7 year degrees is a good thing (and I realise here that saying if you have Phd or a MD you are going to vaccinate your child is not always true but more likely I think if the PhD is in some form of Science).   How ever I don't think it matters how much we the microbiologists, the medical plethora and other scientists say vaccinate your child those who really dont want to aren't going to. Which saddens me but not a lot you can do about it.  I still think it does border on child abuse - when a disease is preventable it should be prevented.  Fullstop.  End of story.  If you want a nice discussion about how vaccines work ToasterSunshine has one.  I am just too sleepy.

E.

I wonder

I wonder if the person giving a presentation on their past year or two's work should feel insulted that a lead PI nodded off during their presentation? What do you think?

Eppendork may have a little crush on Mr Nick Cave

I love this song - PJ Harvey rocks the house too.

I am up to eyeballs in Lit review at mo - so not too much blogging going on unfortunately.

E.

PS fave Nick Cave song - Into my arms - seriously good song - the man's a genius.

I'm so sick

So sick that I wrote sik three times before I could get the word spelt properly.  I wanna bitch about American Idol - are you all so stupid that if they tie them up with a bow they're gonna make it in the fickle, fickle world out there?  Removing anyone of any real interest - bar the guy with the indie bent - makes AI a dull show - cookie cutter molds are destined to fail - cause the flavour is going to change and no one wants your gingernuts any more.  And really why isnt there a Science Idol - hmmm?  Well I realise there is the Nobel prize but thats for people who have been there done that a lot - kinda the point of the prize.  Seriously, where is the competition for noobs who have talent but just lacked their 'big break' - huh?  

I may need some more flu meds.  

E. 

The Leslie Winkle experimental methodology

Okay so as I write this I am tucked up in bed with the flu, I have my lemon, honey and ginger tea next to me, on the other side is the work I brought home with me that I have yet to pick up yet.  Very hard script is on top of the pile mocking me with its brilliance - I made a little progress on understanding it - upside is I have realised I will have to learn how to script in python - although I am told once I know how to script in it - I wont ever go back - bit like the dark side really.  Any who I was reading Juniper's blog, about her current trevails and trials in her pathway to become a real scientist, and I thought to myself damn - how can it be so hard?   Then as I do in my slightly drug-induced fluey state I thought - things happen for a reason and sometimes we dont get what that reason is until we get to a place where we do.   

For me I wanted to do science when I left high school - but due to a mixture of severe lack of intellectual self esteem and generally propensity to take the easy way out (when I was 17) I enrolled and completed a very average BA and then took up the only career I believed was open to me.   Turned out I was good at it but I felt like my true potential was being smothered and I just couldnt do it anymore - so I stepped outta my comfort zone a long way outta my comfort zone and found the confidence to do what I wanted to do in the first place, science.  I thought of doing medicine so I started there and my undergrad was focussed on that goal - but in the end I decided Micro was where it was at and battabingbattaboom whaddya know here I am.

Course it didnt happen all nice and neat like that - when I said I wanted to do science, my then partner basically laughed and fully expected me to fall flat on my face and go back to doing what I did before within a year of starting my undergrad.  It felt good to show him the straight A's I got in my first year - I didnt give up I worked two part time jobs and was a full time student and a mother.  It wasnt easy and I have to say the first year of my MSc was the most stressful year I have ever experienced in my whole life - I wouldve lost the plot completely had it not been for a very good friend of mine who I love dearly.  Needless to say my relationship with my ex didnt last, but my relationship with science is still going strong.   When I think about it now - if I had of tried to do my science straight out of high school I would have crashed and burned majorly - I didnt have the motivation or the self confidence to do the work that had to be done.  I couldn't see that at the time.  I do now - I had to go through a shit load of growing up to realise I had a brain in my head was useful for something other than sleeping and breathing.

Juniper sweet cheeks - I almost feel like you need to take a time out and center yourself and make a plan.  OMG I am such a control freak - I am such a planner - I like to know what to expect - go figure.   You need to focus your efforts, don't disperse them left right and center - get a piece of paper out - write down what you want, what you want to do and how you are going to get there.  Find places that are doing what you want to do - then ring them up and explain your situation - could you intern for them? Could you do an MSc with them?  You never know your luck - and believe that half of the science opportunities start because some is in the right place at the right time.   You are a kick ass writer - your blog shows that - figure out what you want to happen and then make it happen - you are the only person who can do it for yourself and you are the only person who can stand in your own way.  Focus chick focus.

E.

PS:  Still fluey  gotta love viruses - they are little pieces of God's own glory they are, they are.  Mmmmm I have M&M's as well - purely for medicinal purposes you understand.  

Old Skool Styles

Vintage just says Im Styling hot Science Chick - dont make me take off my sunnies and come over there!

So I took a facebook quiz to burn a little time - Eppendork decided that if Isis can blog about Barbie then I can certainly take a quiz to find out just what sort of Barbie I am.  So I took it and the news is out - Eppendork is old skool - Vintage Barbie - classic down to her mean patent pumps and kick ass corset figure.  Did I mention I have a slight girl crush on Ms Von Teese?  I wish I looked that good!

That is all.

E.

Open Letter to Adobe

Dear Creators of Adobe Illustrator,

I am a great fan of Adobe - where would be without our faithful versions of journal articles?  I for one am really, really grateful - I love my interesting reading and pretty, pretty pictures therein associated with said articles.  However, Eppendork is not a computer geek - although evidence to the contrary (learning various scripting languages should not be taken as evidence of the former), and finds programmes such as Illustrator very cool, just not very intuitive at all.  

Figure 1: Any of these geeks will do - I am sure the Apple guy will know!

I spent an hour and a half this morning trying to figure out how to import a picture and then recolour it - figured the first bit out pretty quick - the rest of the time to figure out the later.  Sufficient to say Eppendork is not stupid - just hasn't worked with your program before.  I would be completely in your debt if your computer savvy boffins could figure it out for me and other non-computer geeks. 

Luv and Hugs,

Eppendork. 

Apparently I am not the only one...

I now have had Waterloo running around in my head all week - that will teach me to share the ABBA love.   I do have things I want to blog about soon - but they need to ruminate a bit so they get all nice and smelly and good.

That is all.

E.

Warm Fuzzies

So a post or two ago I blogged about foetus scientist and their possible plagiarism.  It turns out after I read the lit review - it was just bad writing and not understanding the project or the field very well at all - rather than purposeful plagiarism.  I talked to fs made it abundantly clear what needed to happen I think I repeated myself about four times in one email (I emailed the lit review back to them with appended comments) - I even used italics and exclamation marks.  I think they got the point - they have a practice 10 minute presentation soon - we shall see.

Figure 1: 

H o w E p p e 

n d o r k c 

u r r e n 

t l y f 

eel

s.

Apart from that I am just tired - I have been doing my best sponge impersonation - some of it is working.  I am also currently thinking I need glasses I am finding it hard to read text on the computer screen from more than 30 cms away these days.  I turned the text size up and I am currently sitting about 30 cms away from it and it is nice and clear.  Joy - another gem of my old age.

E.

More on Pretty

Pretty in Pink - Eppendork loved the movie the first time round and every single time after that! So running with the pretty theme she has changed the very staid and sciencey theme to a more pretty friendly pink.  It may stay or it may not stay but for the moment I am feeling verrrry pretty! 

In the words of Duckie somewhat revised "(That Eppendork) is a really volcanic ensemble you're wearing, it's really marvelous!".  

Marvelous chooks Marvelous!

E.

PS: Blog roll has disappeared - will have to fix that after I get back from my Welcome to the lab dinner!

I feel pretty oh so pretty...

That's right folks - I feel pretty, oh so pretty.  Well in Eppendork's lalalala land of sleep deprivedness and inserting herself into a new time zone kinda way she is preeetty!   Anywho I spent this week learning more about the city and lab I have plonked myself into and there is good news afoot (notice pretty sparkly shoe to distract from dark circles under well defined baby blues).  

Figure 1: OMG did you see those shoes Mr Isis was wearing???    Kidding!! Minus the rollers and Eppendork swears it could've been the mirror she was looking at yesterday.

I like my new lab - it has lots of really good equipment and anything we don't have we are to add it to the list of things to sort out - although I cant see anything we really, really need at the moment.  I like the people in my office and the people in my lab(s).   I am adjusting to my new supervisors way of dealing with things and have figured out in short order that Eppendork has to have her shit together (well together) before she asks questions and or for help.  Eppendork sat quietly (because I'm new and it's always good to observe the lay of the land before sticking your neck too far) while he toastly grilled someone until they were golden on the outside (not quite but you get the idea) for not doing something which she shouldve done and tbh what he was saying was correct and I would have made that call but not quite the way he did so.  Having said that he is a star in the field and I can get on with him and learn from him.   

Eppendork now has a list of things to do longer than her arm (she has short arm syndrome) that I have to work through in the next six months or so - am set just have to press go!  In the mean time I shall enjoy my somewhat quiet time and go in search of a few glasses of the good stuff as reward for having survived her first week in her new lab - which she has given the moniker of ILA - International Lab A - not too creative but seriously that Eppendork can string words together is a good sign at this stage anyway.

E.

PS: There are no shoes in this blog - I forgot to put them in here - and didn't notice until now - suspect sleep may be the answer.

OMG it's cold

Let us just review the past 48 hours or so - Eppendork packed her bags (forgetting her raincoat grrrr - just stupid) and hopped on the first of four planes to get to her new home town for the foreseeable future.   I have made a few observations about travel and the new country so far:

1. Eppendork has the demeanour and face of a nefarious person.  To count I was wanded four times during the trip and for want of a better word "felt up" by an overenthusiastic female guard at Airport 4 of the five airports I visited.  I also had a delightful conversation with another customs lady at Airport 2 who engaged me by enquiring about what I was doing on my travels and then we talked about my upcoming Phizzle Dizzle - during which time she wanded me and swiped both of my bags for drug residues all with a smile on her face.  Mental note: baby steps maketh the evil scientist. 
2. Two empty seats on plane B = sleep budget business class styles.  One seat squished next to strange man = one hour of sleep because you are so so tired that it is impossible for you to stay awake and 11 hours of watching movies and tv of varying quality.  Eppendork can now officially say that she can fall asleep at the drop of a hat - after much sleep deprivation.
3. Airline food is not always good - worse when one meal is good and the next is very bad.
4. When people tell you it is cold where you are going - believe them and remember your raincoat.  Standing in the pouring, driving ran (when the sun has started to disappear at 3 pm) for twenty minutes huddled in the doorway of a hairdresser who looked at you funny when you rock up bags in hand and asks if she minds if you use her phone and stand in her doorway, is not fun.  Landlord eventually arrived but not before I got very cold and somewhat wet.
5. Rain will stop when you purchase the umbrella you didn't have last night.

Eppendork starts her Phizzle Dizzle tomorrow - wish me luck!

E.

I cannae doit any morrrr captin!

Eppendork believes she may well be turning into bare-arsed bluebottle with amount crap she has been sorting out and taking care of.  I mean really how much stuff (which may include one large forest plantation - non native of course) can one person accumulate in the space of a year (which is the amount of time since last large clean out)?  Lots and lots and lots apparently, and not much of it could i actually throw out in the recycling either so a lot of it became fuel for a fire that burned nicely.   Moving to another country will do that for ya - woot! Seriously last move it was five car loads, stacked to the eyeballs - and quite frankly am surprised I didnt get stopped by any one for a traffic violation.  Today it was one partially full car - it helps to have a friend look after a couple of boxes for me - but the majority of stuff I am keeping came with me.

   

Figure 1: Eppendork is pleasantly surprised by how much stuff she can fit into her decrepit little people mover.

I am pleasantly surprised, LB believes it is his no nonsense, only bare essentials, minimalistic style of living is rubbing off on me.  I hate to shatter his unfounded belief - I will invariably start collecting crap as soon as I land on non-native tarmac, which will occur in four days.  Four days - arggggghhhh!  I still have way too much to do - sigh, back to doing stuff.

E.

Karma's a bitch

Eppendork is not full of vim and atem today - I am tired and am thoroughly over Christmas holidays.  I love my family but sometimes I wonder what sort of person I must have been in a past life to be surrounded by these ones in this life.  Sometimes famdamnly are hard work and require much bubbly.  Give me a week I will be back to level soon.

E.

Heehee

Figure 1: Giggling baby scientists

Eppendork wonders if the people who named the fucK and fecB genes giggled when they named them.

Just saying...

E.

PS: Eppendorks current age 12 years and 2 months.

Holy bedazzled Gilson's Batman!

Eppendork realises that sometimes luck happens to you - as the universe offers you an opportunity and you can choose to pick it up and run with it or not. I also realise that sometimes luck is exactly of your own making through lots of hard work. Sometimes you are just in the right place at the right time and hold your tongue the right way. Often in science things or opportunities happen through serendipity - Eppendork puts her excellent MSc thesis and experience down to her homemade luck and a good dollop of serendipity and a whole whack of bloodymindedness. My thesis came about because I realised that what was on offer re my project wasn't going to push my buttons and keep me focussed (I have the attention span of a gnat - but that's what the internet is for) for two years. Eppendork knew the field she wanted to be in so cold called her future supervisor and low and behold there really was a project just waiting to be snapped up by a fabulous post-grad student such as herself. It helped that it was in a field that was well funded and the main technique was new and exciting, but if I hadn't picked up the phone to start with the story wouldn't be the same.

Figure 1: Mmmm now here's a recipe Eppendork can appreciate!

My PhD project has come about pretty much the same way - it helps when glorious supervisor A gives you a kick ass reference and new supervisor can see the potential in moi.  Eppendork thinks that when you see a spark of awesomeness in someone nurturing it and giving it the space to shine should be the only thing you do.

E.

PS: Advice is just advice - if the recipient of said advice isn't listening then nothing is going to change not even a little bit.